I’m pretty sure the past year of my life has been the worst I’ve ever lived through. Everything I have loved or cared about has completely fallen apart. The saddest part is that the one thing I care about the most, even after my parents splitting up, my mom almost dying and almost being homeless, is my ex-boyfriend. I think about him every day, multiple times a day. I’ve proven I can live without him, I’ve made it this far but something is missing. I’ve been told I’m an idiot for still loving him or even caring about him after the shit he has put me through. Believe me, he ripped my heart out and left me in the worst black hole of despair humanly imaginable. Somehow I still spend sleepless nights lying in bed thinking about him; wondering what he is doing and hoping he is thinking about me as well. We are friends still which is the complicated part in all of this. Somehow still being friends with him gives me strength to believe that one day we may end up back together. My friends who are around us say that we still act like a couple when we are together. The whole subject is just really confusing to me. I never want to lose him, he really is the best friends i’ve ever had and I know if I needed anything he would still have my back. I just don’t know if I’m hurting myself by staying as close to him as I am. I just want to drive to his house right now, give him and big kiss and snuggle until the end of eternity. It just hurts me to think that I care so much about a person who doesn’t feel the same way back, or if he does he wont express it to me. I know most people hate the term ‘the one’ or ‘soulmates’ but I really do believe this guy is in my life for a reason, and for me to care about someone this much after everything i’ve been through has to be for some reason as well. I’ve tried just letting go of the whole situation, distancing myself and just about everything else, but it just makes the whole situation worse for me. My therapist basically told me to go with my gut on the whole thing. After talking about him exclusively for several sessions and her talking me through my feelings towards the whole thing, she brilliantly concluded I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back… Thanks lady. So here I stand; confused, lost and missing him constantly. Nights like tonight I stay up thinking about him and trying to figure out what to do. I know our year and a half relationship wasn’t perfect but goddammit I miss it and I miss him. I’ve tried talking to other guys and nothing sticks, not the way he did. I don’t expect to replace him or forget him but just something to get my mind off of him. That isn’t even possible honestly. I just feel bad when I pour my heart out to him, which I have done on several occasions, and he just doesn’t seem to care. I know he is young, I’m young as well and I understand not being sure of something, but dammit why would you rather be alone than with someone you know cares about you and you care about them? He tells me he wasn’t happy when we were together but I don’t think he is any happier now. He is in certain ways I know, he can go out with his friends more now and have more alone time but is that really worth it? I enjoy both of those things as well but sometimes you just need that person who you know cares about you to be there for you. I think we needed a break for us to find ourselves and figure out exactly where we stand in life and what we want in the future. I’ve figured it out and its him.. I honestly think he didn’t or hasn’t come to the same conclusion and that breaks my heart. The though of not being able to marry him and have all the children with him that we planned on having is literally the worst thing I could think of. Like I said, I’ve been through a lot and he is still the thing I care about the most. I just wish I could express all of this and figure out once and for all what is going to happen. I think I’m scared of the result honestly and the idea of losing him forever is unbearable to me. UGH JUST UGH
11/06/12 @ 12:07am
■ its my birthday
downloaded jack white, the shins and say anything’s new albums.
today is awesome.
had a wonderful picnic with the new bf.
got plenty of snuggle time in.
its raining now and i’m reading a book (and checking tumblr).
tonight i’m going to sonic and playing D&D with my boys.
i love days like these :)
06/05/12 @ 04:02pm
■ the office
i see you lurking there ten page paper and today i will destroy you.
i am determined.
that is all
i’m just so happy with everything in my life right now. i haven’t been this happy in a while. guess you weren’t the one. oops!